Anyway I went with my new buddy to see a bazillion tulips on Saturday! Awesome! Imagine all the tulips here!
windmills and wooden shoes
lots more tulips
tulips all the way to the horizon because we were at the bottom of a slope
lines of tulips converging in the distance
It was totally fun. Oh we went to the library book sale first and acquired many books for very little money! Awesome! Then the tulip place was glorious, all windy and the sky full of those big dramatic clouds, but it didn't rain, then it got sunny and how interesting is that how different the colors look in cloudy conditions versus sunny? So cool!
We had a blast. And ate fair food! I love the fair food. Give me a wurst and some fried dough any day!
The wurst was hilarious because it's advertised even on the website as "Dutch sausage," to which I said, "What the heck is Dutch sausage?" and mulled the whole way there over all of the various weird epithets that are described as Dutch. Talk to you like a Dutch aunt, go Dutch, Dutch chocolate, something about a Dutch uncle? I don't know, I was unable to graph a common theme.
Dutch sausage turns out to be bratwurst. Ha! I think that's hilarious. Like it actually said bratwurst on the sign, below Dutch sausage.
Eh, it's all wurst. An actual saying but in German. I kind of forget what it means, though. Like, it doesn't matter to me, I think is the gist of it. Es ist mir Wurst.
I'm on my lunch break. I did not have wurst. But there is some chicken sausage in the freezer.
Oh! I tackled all the gnarly awful tasks and now I feel a lot better.
Gnarly awful tasks: a history
1. cat barfed up a hairball, gross. Cleaned up with a plastic spackling implement. Gross!
2. sorted out finances after last week's dentist visit. This cannot go on! I need different anxiety meds. Not actually gross but really awful and unacceptable and distressing.
3. faced down the pears that are going to the dark side. I needed an apple that was underneath. Gross! Why so easily turned to evil, pears? The force is weak with you.
4. gave the dog his heartworm/flea pill. Usually he just eats it up but this time he was like, "I'd prefer it with peanut butter on it, waiter," so I stuck it to a cracker with peanut butter. Gross!
5. gave the cat his flea treatment, which he hates so much, and who can blame him? It's like oily goo stuck between his shoulderblades. He is half woebegone and half murderous because of it. Gross!
What else? I think that's it. UGH. Yucky.
Apparently a large dose of calcium can totally cause a depressive episode, but I think it yesterday's awful stupid terrible day-long depressive state was more to do with talking out some ugly past stuff with new buddy B. (we talked all day long--so great!) and hearing about all of her stuff (ouch, plus I'm like Betazoid with the empathy so it knocks me flat) and most of all to do with NOT DEALING WITH THE GNARLY AWFUL TASKS.
It's silly because I DID do tremendously large tasks yesterday. A history:
1. mowed the grass until the gas ran out
2. changed the oil in the mower, poorly, meaning it got everywhere
3. was flooded with massive amazing memories all having to do with warm motor oil on my hands, which sounds funny but is totally true
4. filled up the oil and gas
5. mowed the rest of the lawn, even the front, dang
6. cleaned up the Exxon Valdez by the shed
7. left the mayonnaise jar full of dirty motor oil sitting there on the walk because I don't know what to do with it (but I will find out)
8. raked up all the grass, much harder and took longer than mowing
9. oh, actually before I mowed, and while I was raking, because the tall grass hid half of it: poop patrol
10. edged and weeded a lot
I know, isn't that a lot? It took me four &*$&^%^*#( hours at least. Maybe longer. And the whole time I was stomping around unwilling, with a big black cloud over my head.
But here's the thing: that's okay. It's okay to have a terrible day and feel awful. It happens! It's fabulously awesome that I did all my jobs anyway. Yay! Go me!
I also read Gabi, A Girl in Pieces yesterday, mostly in the evening after my (futile) lavender bath of attempted depression eradication. And I ate a bunch of my Avengers Doritos! It did not help. Well, it might have helped.
It's flipping cold in here. The poor dog crawled under a mound of comforter under my desk, on the dog bed, with just his little nose peeking out. So I checked the office thermometer and it was 55 degrees. I don't notice it because I'm standing up at my desk!
Now he's on the arm and back of the couch, looking out at the rainy park like an illustration of thwarted longing.
Things I have yet to do: a future history:
1. the rest of the dishes, though I did a mountain of them Saturday even though I was exhausted from the tulip fiesta
2. oh, the usual vacuuming and whatever that I never do
3. make pizza (What kind of slacker slacks off on making pizza? Slacker!)
4. plant all these plants. Probably not going to do it in the rain, though.
5. dig up a lot more lawn for garden. A LOT. It's such hard work. Busting sod. Thor noises!
Oh I also failed to remember to call my brother on time on his birthday (Saturday) because I was out and about and it's three hours later there. Since I did the same exact thing on my sister's birthday, I win the bad sibling of the year award. Woe! I'm good about sending presents on time, though. Oh and neither of them has called me back, despite multiple calls from me, which makes me woeful.
Eh, there's another huge project I have to do. And I have to find a therapist person. And a new psychiatrist who won't play solitaire while not listening to me. And won't tell me to go out and get into a relationship before May, like that's even within the realm of possibility. In other words, a new one who pays attention, actually grasps the situation, and isn't dismissive of the facts.
I wish the Outback had an engine I could actually do stuff with. It's too cramped in there and the car is too low down to get underneath. Also my jack stands are in Pennsylvania, not that I'd get under a car that was on jack stands, since I have a strong desire not to be crushed to death. Point being, it's no fun to work on. Even changing the air filter is flipping impossible because of the stupid plastic thing that doesn't fit back in right. Even the oil change guys are all cussing and trying to mash it back into place, and they do this all day long.
I'm all proud of myself for remembering to take the teeny air filter out of the mower before tipping it to get the oil out. And for using the drain nut instead of turning it upside down like some people's mothers think you have to do. (Ahem.) Not so much for slicing my thumb open painfully on the extremely sharp threads of the drain nut, though. Or for getting that oil absolutely everywhere. Like, hilariously everywhere.
Anyway. It's super cold. Maybe I'll bake a cake! And I need to eat something besides bean burritos, which, with the occasional wurst, have constituted my diet lately. I mean--not exclusively. I eat a bowl of veg all the time, or a baked sweet potato, plus fruit, and of course oatmeal with apple for breakfast. But most main meals have been refried beans on a tortilla with salsa verde for aaaaaaaages. Because I've been laaaaaaaaaazy. Also saaaaaaaaving moneeeeeeeeey. It's a cheap way to eat, that's for sure! And oh so good. But I think the end of the era is coming up fast here.
Oh! I forgot the other major sucky thing. The big park has suddenly put up all these signs saying NO DOGS IN FIELD, like, absolutely everywhere. It's for a good reason, ground nesting birds, but it makes the whole place a) very unfriendly and b) very very very limited in where we can walk now. And we have to stick to paved paths, which hurt my feet, and leashes, which are a pain for both of us. So it kind of feels like my major source of daily awesomeness got taken away. Because...it did. Ugh! I don't know what to do about that.
We can still walk along the river paths, I guess. Grrr, it makes me all grim. Variation is kind of essential for getting me to keep on doing it. I've been cutting way back on the walks because it's so difficult to figure out where we can actually go for long enough, with all of our usual routes cut off. Such a big loss of glorious adventure in our daily lives!
Time for more tea. Tea usually helps. More tea!