Saturday, June 6, 2015

Oh my giddy aunt

More dispatches from the intersection of Bananacakes Lane and Television Boulevard. Which, face it, is basically where I'm camped out, most of the time, no?

So I've been watching a TON of Leverage, and by that I mean the entire run of it once straight through in about five days, which is a season a day, and then I've been watching it again at a more leisurely pace. I'm into season five again already, which makes me sad. More! More! Want more!

I'm a total glutton for the artificial family tv shows anyway. And this one has pretty much everything else on top of it. It has a crazypants character for both sides of my own bananaville, meaning both Parker and Eliot cover that ground, plus Hardison to be all obsessive and chatterbox. It has lovely wonderful parent types. It always targets evil corporations or evil suits. Evil suits! My favorite! When you find evil in the world, it nearly always wears a suit, in my experience.

Naturally since I'm soaking in it all day long I keep dreaming about it, or more like the characters are part of my dreams. My goodness, is that ever awesome. They keep on taking care of me! This has never happened with tv characters before, but I've probably never been so isolated before.

Sophie and Eliot showed up first, being sweet and kind and tough and taking care of me. Then they were all there at once in another dream. Then last night was my favorite because Timothy Hutton showed up and actually held me like a child through a whole string of panic attacks and terrifying situations.

I think that's just unbelievably awesome and glorious. Also, hello, these are GOOD DREAMS. I'm finally getting away from the nightmares! For that I'll buy the complete boxed set, seriously. After I get these other things out of the way. I'll sleep with it under my pillow if I have to. Jiminy.

I think Leverage is like Farscape in my mental filing system. Yes. Not in reality, with all kinds of seriously messed up misfit crankypants outsiders banding together to be a weirdo family and do good things and outrageous and ridiculous ways.

Battlestar was a huge and powerful obsession but it's too scary for me to be in love with it long term. Like it's actually too upsetting for me to watch after a certain point. I think I was tougher back then! DS9 was my first true love, though. Oh the goodness of that show. Another collection of messed up misfit crankypants outsiders banding together to be a family, of course.

And Eliot, jeez, I've been thinking so much about why he affects me so much. Obviously he's gorgeous, like a grumpy Crichton, but it's much more than that, because I barely even remember Christian Kane from Angel and I watched the whole run of that. But I did not like Angel as a show. I would watch it and yell "Ugh!" and "No!" and "Shut up, show!" at the tv. Er, the dvd. From Netflix.

It should have fit my formula, created family, evil suits, but I really just never liked it. Hard to say why. I could watch it again and analyze that, I guess. Ugh! No! Shut up, show! It had lots of wonderful moments but overall just tasted yucky.

My most favorite show of all time is probably Wonderfalls, but I'm also seriously in love with Firefly (with all its flaws) and Warehouse 13. See my formula again, above. And of course my current beloved, Agents of SHIELD.

None of them have gotten into my head like Leverage. I totally did not expect this AT ALL. I didn't even really expect to like it. It totally grabbed me by just a few episodes in, though.

Right, and Eliot. He's all damaged and has done terrible things, but he also takes an extraordinary amount of punishment to protect his people. The Leverage team always solves these impossible problems. And Eliot always overcomes ridiculously huge odds by sheer strength and determination and awesomeness.

He also moves very fast. I've been trying to figure out whether he's speeded up a bit and I think he is. Part of what makes him insanely compelling is that speed of movement. You don't often see strong people being fast, that's the thing. The speed of all of his movements when fighting just fills me with joy and glory. I love seeing things done well. How do I explain it? He hits *right.* A lot of acting fighting is eye-rollingly bad, but he gets this combination of speed and rage and cockiness that completely sells it.

And he's the ultimate protector. Just watching Eliot on my little ipad makes me feel safe, which is totally weird, but then they do say (you know, THEM) (psychologists who study this type of thing) that we experience television the same way we experience reality. We're actually terrible at telling them apart. And I'm much worse than normal at it, we know this.

So Leverage, oh my giddy aunt, is having all these amazing effects on my braaaaaaiiinnns. I feel more secure. I do scarier stuff. And I have positive dreams for once. Besides this excellent gliding flying that I dream about quite often, these are the first positive dreams in forever. You wonder why I'm awake until 4 a.m.? A lot of it is utter dread of being asleep, because of the horrible, eviscerating nightmares. And I can't wake up. Not just from the dreams, but at all. I'll sleep 12 or 14 hours. It's not ideal is what I'm saying.

One day this week I set alarms for 9, 9:15, 9:30, 9:45, and 10:00, in addition to my usual 9, 10, 11, 12, and 1:00 alarms THAT DON"T WORK. The every quarter hour thing actually did get me up on time, thank goodness.

I think I'll get over it this week because of Women's World Cup. I have to watch every game, and I have to watch it live, if possible. That means getting up early some days. I think. I haven't checked the full schedule. Well, 10 is early for me anyway.

I take every possible thing to knock me out but I don't knock out. What a strange experience it is to think about these characters keeping me safe and feel all of my muscles relax that I didn't even know were tensed up. I mean, I AM safe. But I don't believe it deep down. Deep down there are saber-toothed tigers with chainsaws covered with Ebola and the pneumonia virus. And they're lurking around every corner. And they're mean.

Well. I'm about to be out of my comfort zone over the next couple of weeks so hopefully that will be super awesome and therapeutic and not, for example, drive me right over the edge into gibbering and frothing.

Having fancy new (thrift store) clothes helps a lot with that. I mean, it matters. When your list of "don't wanna go" reasons includes pretty much just things like: 1. stupid hair from growing it out, 2. where did all this weight come from and are there any more donuts?, 3. stupid ill-fitting unflattering clothes, then eliminating one of them is AWESOME.

I almost cut my hair short but I'm really glad I didn't, because now it is making up for lost time by being all silky and fluffy and pretty, awww! I guess picking up scissors (seriously: almost) put the fear into it and now it's all la la la, I'm so pretty, look at me!

I'm second-guessing bangs again, but that's normal. I can always pull them back and grow them out if I feel like feeling hideous again at any point. Whee!

So that's what's up. I'm doing all kinds of coping things, as in, taking care of what needs to be taken care of. I even got that bloodwork done that I was supposed to get done the first week of March. March! I know! Amazing. And then I've been getting all sorts of other things done and out of the way.

Like just today I finally got the Fox Sports Go app or whatever it's called up and running, which means I had to sign in with my xfinity id etc., so I had to find that, and change the password because of course I had forgotten it, and then make it work, and now it's all done and ready to go.

If you aren't like this, you won't get that doing something like this would normally send me into a terrible tailspin and I'd end up sitting on the floor in the bedroom and reading some old book for the millionth time to check out completely for hours and hours. And then repeat every day for ages to avoid dealing with the thing.

Short version: hurray!

New level of awesomeness: Women's World Cup! Which always fills me with utter glory and makes me want to get up and run around and be awesome and glorious and not, for example, a pudding who just sits there and does things to distract from existence. Down with puddingness! Avaunt, ye pudding of doom!

I even arranged to hire the offspring of my neighbors to water my garden while I'm away, lest it utterly croak in this heat and drought. Oh, phew!

Plus I got to sing the Wilhelmus with the Netherlands team while wearing my orange shirt today and that's so much more than nothing, I tell you what. Glory!

Monday, June 1, 2015

Vegetation and the doing of things

I feel like they might be connected somehow. Hmm.

Anyway we all know wheat is evil and inflammatory and I should never, ever eat it, not ever, because it makes me all puffy and achy and arthritic. Sometimes buttered toast seems totally worth it, though. Oh, toast. Or tortillas.

I've been so asthmatic lately that I decided to get off the sauce and also coincidentally I ran out of everything as part of Operation Run Out of Everything. No more wheaty treats. Sad! But oh, do I ever feel better.

You have to eat something so I've had to remember all the different veg creations and salads and pilafs and whatnot that I normally eat when I'm not having an illegal and unwise wheat fiesta. So much veg. So much veg!

Actually for weeks and weeks I've been trying to make sure I get 5-10 servings of the veg and fruit a day, which kind of crowds out any other food, seriously. There's no room for anything else.

Except cheese. Mmm, cheese.

Anyway. Yum! And now I'm nearly out of the veg also, which means going to the store.

Right, feeling better, and also somehow suddenly Doing Things. Which is awesome! And matters a lot to me. Like, productivity. Blame the Protestant work ethic or whatever. All I know is when I'm not productive, it makes me super unhappy.

Productive can be anything. Knitting a blanket. Seriously. Making food. Washing the dishes. I consider an awful lot of things productive. Which tells you how very little I was getting done, huh?

Today I made all sorts of creative and delicious foods. And ate them! Happiness! And I pressed a lot of the nearly finished quilt's seams. Until I realized that a hot and steamy iron was not the place to be when it was so ungodly hot. And I sketched out the painting I've been wanting to paint. It's all awesomeness!

What else, gosh? Knitted the boring blanket. Boring is good. I'm pretty unfocused lately so I won't stick with any complicated knitting. Walked the dog, of course. Took a lot more pictures since I kind of want to paint all sorts of these paths through the woods or fields scenes.

I never do that, by the way. I never paint what I see. I always paint what I imagine. I've never been big on reality. Because we already have that, see?

So those are underway and I'm Very Pleased about all of that, since, you don't even know, every day I think, "I want to do the things," and then I don't do the things, because I don't want to move or act or anything. Heh. Reluctance and Qualms, LLC! Get it? It was originally going to be Inc., but obviously with qualms it would be LLC. I know!

Uh, today I also washed the black slinky pants I never wear that I'm going to have to wear. I did NOT go out and buy large loose flowy silky lightweight possibly sleeveless blouses to wear with them, because I was waiting around for Dog Park Friend to call and then come over, which she had said she was going to do. We had a plan.

It's possible that the extra agitation of that helped me get up and do things today. I don't know. I had double plus agitation because I am always POSITIVE that people are going to blow me off, because of how for the past year and a half, yes, they nearly always do. At least the last three "friends" I've made. They're like, "Yay, let's be friends!" and then they totally bail and I never hear from them again. It's true.

So of course this one bailed and never called and never showed up also. I know!!! What the hell, humanity? I am trying to like you better and give you the benefit of the doubt but you are NOT helping with this type of behavior. I hate being right about things like this!

I don't have her number. Only she has mine. Yep. Because she offered out of the blue to take care of my animals while I'm away for a while, to come stay here and take care of them. Which I was ultimately going to have to say no to anyway, for all the reasons I decided against a pet sitter in the first place, i.e. major issues on my part. Nothing against her or other pet sitters. I don't trust people one tiny bit, see above and the last sixteen to twenty-five years, so obviously I'm not going to trust people with my animals.

Institutions, though, I'm much better with them, apparently? I mean I'll board them both together. I have plans. I have reservations. I did a trial board for the dog. Is okay.

So anyway back to plan A for the animals and another vanishing non-friend and even less trusting of the peoples, but oh well!

Apparently this is totally part of my whole deal, like, clinically. Like go look up anxious/avoidant and that is me, except that it says people with it don't think they're worth anything and we all know I am sure I am positively AWESOME and everyone else is just wrong about me. Ha ha!

It's true, though, I'm super good at a lot of stuff. I have many awesome skills, from cooking and growing things to learning dead languages and speaking live ones, composing music, writing, helping and encouraging students, and so on. I'm a good friend, aunt, and sister.

Otherwise, though, hoo boy! It's all about staying away from people because they're so awful (I'm kind of paraphrasing) and being made of anxieties and stuff like that. And they say agoraphobic, to which I say: no, I'm *happiest* in an open field, except for the mountain lions and rattlesnakes, but I suppose it actually does mean agora, marketplace, which yes, is just about my least favorite place in the world due to all the PEOPLE.

So they might be onto something there.

I like dogs, though! Dogs are great! Dogs! And little kids!

And xanax, if people are required. Jiminy. I'd rather deal with rattlesnakes. They don't actually want to cause you harm, rattlesnakes. They want to get away. They're not like, "How can I get her to expect something from me, so that I can yank the rug out from under her to greatest effect?"

I know nobody thinks that. They just don't care. Or they're full of their own reluctance and qualms. You can send a text, though. Or email back, beloved friends back east who are absolutely not emailing me back or returning phone calls. People! Stop sucking!

I'm like, racist toward the human race. I know it! I need to stop. I'm so ready to be convinced otherwise! Help me out here, humanity!

Anne Lamott quotes this excellent poem about how all of the poet's friends and relations got together and agreed to blow her off all at the same time. It's very funny.

I could do without the asthmaticism, also, to be perfectly honest. It's been bad for two weeks, horrible for one week. I know it's MUCH worse after I walk in the dog park every day. Because it's a giant field of seven foot high grass and bunches of trees and blooming cottonwoods snowing everywhere. It's a perfect asthma storm. Maybe we should go back to walking around the nearby park, since I have no air and can't walk far anyway without it, hello. Hmm. If I do that, maybe I can get air back again! Yay!

I mean, I'm also sick, with some virus, which is making it all MUCH worse, but that won't last forever.

The pollen and allergy blizzard will pass. I mean, it doesn't last all that long. Or I could get a giant hamster ball for me and a smaller one for the dog! Good plan! Or a space suit. My dog would look adorable in a space suit, with a glass ball for his head! But sniffing is part of his happiness so maybe I'll just wear one. Okay!

My garden is coming along AWESOME. I have peas blooming already which means peas themselves will soon follow. The tomatoes are blooming, the squash is looking happy, and I have tons of potatoes. I love my garden!

Gosh, what's next? Going shopping for blouses, like I have to do? Going to movies that I'd like to see? (Let's not get crazy here. Though...popcorn! With M&Ms in it!) Going to the grocery store to replenish the veg? Okay, I have to do that one. Maybe tomorrow. Who knows? It could totally happen!