Sunday, February 21, 2016

Next step

The next step is to pack, since I've already been house hunting as vigorously as one can hunt a house. (It's house season! I'm hunting houses!) Must pack! I'm starting this week with four things at once at work, a full docket, up from two and one and whatever else--gosh, it's been slim lately, but I'll be glad to be back at a full load. Seriously. I get super anxious when I'm not doing the full thing.

The only thing really worrying me was the writing for school and I picked that up again today and got massive quantities of it done. I feel so much better now!

So that's a) work, check, b) school, check, because I got all my commentaries done last week, and now c) house, waiting to hear back from a bunch of places.

The only thing super stressful about all of this is rent is coming due soon. See? Decisions.

Anyway I'll figure it all out. I'm all super proud of myself for SAYING WHAT I WANT which you know I was absolutely raised never, ever to do. Never ask for anything! Never say what you want! Not just told that straight out, which we were, with hitting to drive it home, but we also learned that because asking gives them a target to use against you, so never identify something that can be used as leverage against you. I am seriously averse to asking for what I want! It's like it always gets punished one way or another.

So that's all super fun. It's the last week before my writing packet is due, traditionally a time of total stress bunnies and bananacakes. Plus adding two more things at work, that's a great time of stress. I worked for many hours today setting it up, though. Should be good to go! So now the big stress relieving job has to be packing.

It'll be so much easier than last time, where space was at a premium and everything had to be as compact and deconstructed as possible. But so hard, because there's absolutely no room here to stack things up or arrange things.

It's hard to sit still at this point, since this room is full of things I need to be doing. But I'm not doing it tonight. Nope! Tomorrow I can get cracking. Okay, I might get some book boxes out of the trundle bed part of the day bed and pack some books from the bedroom, because that's easy and self-limiting.

I will need a truck, really, won't I, unless I want to make ten million trips with the trailer. We'll see. Distance is a factor in that decision. The thing in my line of sight right this moment is a day bed, see. The same size as my trailer, pretty much!

Not a fan of the stress. I like the lack of stress. I also like a house that no strangers will be barging in on any day of the week, however. I'm definitely not living in a house that's on the market, nor a house that will be sold with me in it. Absolutely not happening. And I'm not putting up with any more of her massive renovations and preparations, either. Forget it.

Tomorrow is Make Many Phone Calls With Xanax day, so that should be fun and then full of naps! I have lots of calls to make. Yesterday I got the local paper and the Bangor paper so I have places to call from there. See, I've been preparing nonstop even while hoping that it wouldn't be necessary to decamp so soon. I'm on the job. There are even places that I would actually take right now, I think, once I see them. The one with the amazing bathtub and woodwork! I like that one. It's far, far away from any other peoples.

Well. Here's hoping I sleep at all, whee! My chest is one big knot. I know other people are all blase and just roll with stuff like this but I don't take personal conflict well AT ALL. Especially when I say what I want and the other person is like, "Ha ha, well, too bad, what you want doesn't matter." You know what it feels like? Like that horrible asshole next door back in Oregon, who did exactly the same thing. They are super similar. They just don't even care how much it disrupts my life or upsets me. It's not even relevant.

That is the sign of really bad people, because decent people notice and care when their actions are causing unnecessary harm to others and then make different plans. Or at least talk it over and try to figure things out.

I have to consider what to say and when. I know that I won't live in a place that's on the market, but I have to think about how to say that and what lines to draw, see. This is where I'm lucky that everything I do is written, 100% written communication, eh? Being very careful every kind of way.

Jeebus. I do not need this. Okay. Right!

Let me just say that my book is making me SUPER HAPPY and the part I got done today is awesome and I'm extremely excited about the next part, too. SO GREAT. I have big notes from last time to incorporate but they are not part of this batch of writing. It's a little tricky because I need to be providing new material, but I really want to go back and wrestle with the old material and the rewriting. I want to do everything at once! Ahhhh!

I will do everything *in sequence* instead. Aha! Yes! The next thing really is sleep, so hello to my friend xanax, I guess, and hello to my new doctor soon who will I hope have ideas for new medication so I don't want to scream at everyone and hit them with shovels and stuff. Like, I need some patience in a pill, maybe? My frustration endurance level is only slightly above zero. Yay.

Except when writing! Tonight we all three sat still so long because I was writing that some mousekies stirred in the kitchen, from the gap next to the dishwasher. Mousekies! Two have died at the paws of the cat in the past two weeks. Good kitty, keep up the good work! We do not need critters rampaging around on tiny little paws!

Ugh, ugh, ugh, I'm sorry to keep saying it like a negative mantra but this utterly sucks. Ugh!

Friday, February 19, 2016

Pretty mad

I'm pretty mad at myself for doing this dumb thing. Okay, Wednesday last week I went to the doctor, so I took all my medications with me as ordered. I fill up this weekly pill thingy with the SMTWTFS on it so I didn't need them back out of my purse right away, and anyway I had the guests and guests and more guests.

Monday I remembered to go get the don't stab people pills out of my bag and take one because the SMTWTFS thing was empty. And then Monday night I filled it all up again. But somehow I forgot the do not stab pills because they weren't with the others. Bad! Bad! Very very bad! That's the one that gave me withdrawal such that I wanted to strangle everyone! It's like super extra negative patience times a thousand.

It was a rough week is all I'm saying. Granted there was some super badness like some of my favorite dog buddies out there far away died. And granted there was a highly unnecessary amount of pure Kafkaesque bureaucratic thwartedness. But oh man! I would have had a ten thousand times better week if I'd taken the dang pills. Yesterday I was calling all these psychiatrists in tears, partly because even though they were on my insurance's website as being nearby, they were half a state away, or the person didn't work there anymore, or my phone dropped the call three times in a row, and so on. But also because I could NOT fathom why my medication had suddenly and completely stopped working for me.

Double duh. A world of duh. Duh to the duh-th power. They really don't work when you don't take them. Duh.

Anyway I decided despite all that and before figuring out why to delegate the whole thing to my doctor's office, who would presumably at least know which psychiatrists actually existed, for crying out loud. (How appropriate an expression!) And today they called me with a referral. Yay!

It's obviously not as urgent now that I know my meds have not suddenly catastrophically stopped working, but were merely absent from the SMTWTFS.

Today was kind of interesting in the annals of thwartedness because I went in for a fairly minor car repair, only to have to spend what, three hours there? Three hours for what they said would be twenty minutes, half an hour tops. So I missed a meeting entirely that I was absolutely supposed to be in and had to send frantic texts. Of course I couldn't get online the entire time because: no signal here in sticksylvania, so I couldn't do all the work I wanted to do and had intended to do. And then I got home minutes before my afternoon thing was supposed to start. And so I ended up working late in the day and then getting to my school work late and then writing it up late and then it was now.

That's what all of this week has been like. But now my driver's side window actually goes up! Yay! Without needing to be pulled up by hand! Awesome!

The afternoon thing was a walk to Salt Pond Preserve where Rachel Carson did her thing and kind of started environmentalism. It's just down the beach from here! You could walk down the beach from my house and get there. We almost did a couple of days ago, just stopped maybe half a mile short. Or you could drive around and park and go for a fun walk through the woods with the kids and the dog. Good times!

It was uphill the whole way back, though, oof! Everywhere is uphill from here. Doesn't that sound like a stoned person's revelation? Whoa, dude! I'm on the ocean! Literally everywhere is uphill from here! Duuuuude! The entire continent! Every continent! All uphill!

Actually we were walking up the hill, my brother and niece way ahead, me and nephew and dog behind, when I smelled marijuana, so I said very loudly, "I smell the marijuana!" only to discover a gentleman on a not very distant parallel path puffing away. Then my nephew said, "What's marijuana?" He's five. I explained it's kind of like tobacco in cigarettes but it smells different. I fully expect him to come out with that fact during preschool next week. He's like that. You tell him something and it is in his head to stay!

I talk to the dog so much that I forget that these sharp-eared little humans are picking up every single word. Niece called me on saying "holy crap" the other day. "Does it go to church? Has it been blessed?" Um, no, okay, maybe I won't say that around her anymore!

They were playing with all my toys and then when we were putting them all away I made them leave Captain America, The Hulk, and Thor out so that I could play with them. What a response! I mean, they are MY toys, after all. Why is so strange that I would want to play with them? Thor has this button that makes him talk, though. Shhh, Thor! He has the most awesome red cape.

Anyway I just got done with all my stuff and work and car repair and other stuff and had some buttered toast for dinner and read my school work by the fire and wrote it all up and now it's 11:00 and I've been up since 8:00 so I kind of think I need to take tomorrow OFF. Don't let me scrub the floor or anything. Or maybe that's okay. I don't know. I need to work on my writing for school super really a whole lot so I might just do that.

The floor is pretty dirty, though. The wood floor. I scrubbed the linoleum floors yesterday. I had forgotten I bought a giant jug of Murphy's oil soap but now I want to use it to clean the wood. And don't get mad or anything but I kind of want to polish the floor with that stuff you rub on then rub off. Wax! Yes. Floor wax. Even though it's unwise in weather with closed windows required. I'll put on the ceiling fan.

I have a whole plan to quarter or sixth the floor and do it in sections. Strategery! I'm having dirt rage, that's all.

I'm gonna get floor polisher's elbow or something. I can feel it coming on already! Oh, my lumbago!

Whoops, it's bedtime. Seriously, today, I think I kept pace with you, but it was a rough one! Calm the heck down! Jeez!

Wednesday, February 17, 2016

Boots on the ground

There are no boots in play, on the ground or otherwise. I just liked how it sounded. Boots on the ground! Coats in the closet! Hats on the rack! Everything where it belongs!

I've been working like mad to clean up after having guests for six days. Six! Days! Me! A person who pretty much wants any interaction longer than ten minutes to end soon! Not strictly true. Sometimes I'm happy to talk all day. But I do need my down time and guess what I didn't get any of?

The worst was when my cousin and I stayed up until five a.m. laughing our fool heads off and doing a puzzle and drinking things, and then I had to get up at 9:00 to take my car to get inspected, which I had failed to do the week before at the same place. So I was on Thin Ice, or in karmic debt, or something.

I have to go back there this Friday to get my busted driver's side window driver thingy replaced so that I don't have to open the door at the toll booth or drive through. When have I ever gone to a drive through? I can't remember. There must have been times but all I can come up with is driving down Route 15 in Pennsylvania in the old red family Chevy station wagon with my old dog Elsa and getting french fries at Burger King with her leaning on the back of the bench front seat on her elbows, while I fed her french fries one at a time and she took them very delicately.

Probably I've been to a drive through since, but I can't seem to remember a single instance.

I just read We Have Always Lived in the Castle by Shirley Jackson and holy oh my goodness, what an amazing book! It kind of fried my circuits! Which were already fried by reading The Best Awful last night. Guess what, I am susceptible to very well written mental illness! I'm susceptible to all writing and get cold when there is snow in books, but these two seemed to wallop me right in the cranium somehow.

Then again I also totally burst into tears watching Wil Wheaton's UROK video. That is "you are okay" and has nothing to do with Gilgamesh and Enkidu. Anyway that's Uruk.

It started playing when I went to get the link for you all and I nearly watched it again but DUDE how many times can a person burst into tears today? A lot, apparently! Here it is:


First of all, dude is my hero and has been since FOREVER. Second, he is incredibly articulate and clear about all this, especially the VERY LOUD ROOM aspect of generalized anxiety disorder. My brother gave me a book called Worrying recently, which is about...worrying. I do not have worrying. I have generalized anxiety disorder, sometimes in its acute form.

Basically put a jackhammer next to your head--an operating jackhammer--and try to do anything. Voila!

Give me a couple of houseguests for a long, long time and I will go stark raving marble-less. Well, not that bad. But NOT GOOD.

Also unfortunately they were family, and my family has some really ugly habits, like the kind of mean teasing that would get you thrown out of kindergarten and sent off to the principal's office for some harsh words and possibly a visit to a health care professional. It's MUCH worse when they get together. And it was the day when I'd only had four hours of sleep *and* still had to work at my job, while others were sleeping. In sum, assholery. I ended up shouting at them to stop it when they wouldn't quit being vicious to me.

At first I was all ashamed for yelling, and then gradually I became super proud of myself for standing up for myself and yelling at them to stop being mean, because what on earth kind of person behaves that way to their host? To anyone? What makes anyone think that's okay behavior? They needed their heads knocked together, seriously.

I know exactly where they learned it but that does not make it okay. Yes, this was a thing when I was growing up: torture me until I would retaliate and then tattle on me for whatever I did and get me into trouble for it. That's what they were doing this weekend.

We actually did have a lot of fun except for the TOTALLY EVIL behavior. And on Monday I got to go see my bunnies and have fun with them and bring them this ridiculous Death Star waffle maker that I found online and ordered for them. Yay! Little dude kept going over and looking at it and admiring it and smiling a lot and telling me it was really nice that I brought that for them. We went for a walk in the woods and played this terrible game (Stratego) that nearly drove me insane, but they were sweet and awesome and I had fun with them and their parents.

In sum, I like kids and dogs and some adults and I only like non-furry beings in very limited quantities and for short times. And I will never have anyone stay over at my house ever again. Because I CAN'T GET AWAY. See. That is crucial. Not happening.

The dog and cat and I have been sitting/lying in a row on the daybed while I read the entirety of We Have Always Lived in the Castle and ate quite a lot of a bag of Doritos, unwisely, but it was very stressful, okay!

Today I did all kinds of wretched cleaning up. Like: emptied the dishwasher and the drainer, washed another huge batch of dishes, steam cleaned the rug which kitty had a barf festival on last night (oh dear), vacuumed up the incredible quantities of my sister's dog's fur that was everywhere (probably what made the cat barf), cleaned the steam cleaner, stripped the guest bed, put that room back together, of course worked all day, went for a two mile walk, cleaned the kitchen utterly, and then read that book.

Now that's a day of accomplishments! I had to be up early for a meeting, so that helped jumpstart me. Also it was a brilliant shiny blue sunny warm day, up to 40 degrees, which is 40 degrees more than it was a couple of days ago.

The walk was wonderful. I saw this little house for sale down near the end of the dead end road, perched right on the edge of the land, seriously, like the foundation went down onto the beach practically. I looked it up when I got home and it was $450,000. Jiminy!

That made me kind of panicky about finding a place to live. I have three months, so it's not immediately imminent danger, but it kind of is because it seems there are fewer places all the time. So I was trying to see the good in places I had otherwise rejected. That led me to contact the place with the Victorian bordello wallpaper, even though it was in A TOWN. Noooo! Then they wouldn't share the address, which is suspicious, but did send me pictures, except the pictures gave me an immediate really bad feeling that was only partly from just having finished We Have Always Lived in the Castle, a novel featuring a terrifyingly awesome gothic house that's kind of a prison.

I wish Carrie Fisher's house had featured more prominently in The Best Awful so it would work better with my gothic theme. Girl meets house! Except in that book, the house is her head. Hmm!

I wrote up most of The Best Awful last night except my brains were pudding. I used to write these commentaries so well last fall! I'm not sure what's wrong with me this time around. It's all awkward and stilted and weird and uninspired. Presumably I'll be more inspired with this one, though, eh?

Often I have to go back later and round them off, because I couldn't figure out how to finish them the first try, but later on it's clear where I was going even if I lost the thread partway through. Is partway one word? Surely not?

Yesterday I baked a cake because I wanted cake. I know, right? So straightforward! Is that one word? Anyway. It was 1-2-3-4 Yellow Cake out of Joy of Cooking. I put it on a yellow plate and made this robin's egg blue icing. And then it looked so familiar I was addled with deja vu or something until I realized it looked just like the cover of The Particular Sadness of Lemon Cake, which Goodreads tells me I have read? But I remember nothing whatsoever about it.

Yeah, no, I have not read that book. I just read the summary and I definitely have not read it.

But apparently I just recreated it in cake form. Mmm, cake. So good!

Yuck, she can taste her mother's emotions in food. I nearly bought bitters last week but then stayed my hand, and then when my sister came to visit she asked if I had bitters. I have never used bitters for anything in my life, nor do I even know what they are for. Embittering people, apparently? Who wants to be embittered?

The cover of The Best Awful is also robin's egg blue, with a yellowish pinkish doll's head where all of the marbles have fallen out. Same color scheme! It's a theme.

I don't have a cover for the Shirley Jackson book because I read it on my trusty ipad. Quick, let me check what it looks like....nope.

I ended up super allergic to something by the end of that visitation time, face all rashy etc. I don't know what set that off. I did make some greens on Sunday. I seem to remember I'm allergic to some of them, but have no idea which. Anyway I finished them today so I'm in maximum rashy face mode with itchy eyes and all sorts of fun times. Yahoo! I'm sure all those Doritos really helped, too, not to mention the carpet shampoo, which makes me sneeze my head off. The carpet is out hanging over the deck railing to think about its choices. Bet you money a seagull or crow poos on it before I bring it in tomorrow. Easy odds.

Okay, so I'm kind of frantic about finding a house, ideally not a gothic horror nor a prison nor a representation in any way of my literary psychoses. The longer I wait, the better, because then I don't have to pay double rent, see. Then I can go to school this summer. Which I want to! Very much! Summer and fall. They go together. Then I can also graduate on time, glory! So waiting is better, except oh oh oh, it's making me frantic with the insecure worrying and stuff.

Getting a couple of those books read really helped with stress levels, though. Except now I have to get back to the actual writing. Um. That's the easy/fun part for me, though. I love it. No worries there.

I guess based on the bursting into tears and shouting at people and things like, oh, getting scared out of my wits by the closet of cleaning supplies--I had forgotten it existed, so it was like this whole new closet suddenly appeared--I should maybe consider going to find a nice new banana wrangler here in town and see whether they can figure out ways to manage my brainbox better. And I don't just say that because I just read about a manic run and a psychotic break. Anyway Carrie Fisher makes it all sound so fun, until it comes crashing down. I don't have her variety of bananas anyway. When I run wild, I steam clean the cat barf instead of letting it sit there until it dries out and is easier to get out of the rug. Also I might bake a cake here and there. I feel the need for a checkup, anyway.

The kitchen sure looks nice, though. As it did before my peoples came over! But WOW did it get trashed by having them here. Every part of the house got trashed, even though everything was utterly sparkling when they arrived. Astounding! Blargh!

There was also a series of maybe five--five?--giant scary developments in the security of my beloved work, which scared the daylights out of me not once, not twice, not three times--you get the picture. While I'm house hunting. Ack! Insecurity: my least favorite thing, pretty much.

I'm having that Winnebago fantasy again. You know the one! Rip out the insides, replace with actual furniture. Put a big old bathtub in the bathroom. On demand water heater running off propane tank, another propane tank to cook with. My big old bed itself stuck in there, with armchairs and tables and cups of tea. All of it on wheels and ready to go. Cozy shuttlecraft of happiness. And also: non-negotiable, meaning always and forever MINE. Jeez!

The next hurdle, after my workload doubles next week and my writing packet is due the 28th, is whether or not to drive the heinous hideous drive down to the EF for the maternal 80th birthday. UGH. It's in the middle of my work week so it would be one 13+ hour drive down, one day there, and then another 13+ hour drive back. I'd be wrecked. I kind of want to do it for the 80th thing but the drive would be so hard and how would I get my work done on days when I'm driving 13+ hours? And while I'm there, by the way? No internet. I've been vaguely hoping for a blizzard or pneumonia or something to happen to prevent the whole thing. I mean, for me, not for anyone else! Pneumonia would eat less of my work time.

So that is weighing on me to the point where I'm about to mail some birthday presents and officially declare I can't go because I have to work. I will dislike the backlash, however. My niece has already started lobbying me to drive down in April when they are all going, since they're committed for that week anyway. Maybe if it works out with my work and school schedules? Wait. THAT IS IMPOSSIBLE. There will never be a time the rest of the semester when I can disappear for three solid days. Which is another reason to go consult the bananaologist.

Somebody go cut me another slice of cake.


Okay, I promise to do this more often so that it's less long-winded! Deal? Deal!

Monday, February 8, 2016

There's a storm coming. I can feel it.

No, I can't! I had to get the news from a Facebook news blurb off to the side and even then it was about Massachusetts having a big weather advisory and my nephew's wife having tomorrow off from work. (My older nephew. The one who doesn't say thank you for hand-knitted sweaters made for his baby. Ahem. Not that I'm still mad or anything.)

There IS a storm coming, though. A big one. Gale force winds! 8-13 foot seas! Gack! I may not have conveyed heretofore just how close the ocean is to my house at high tide. It's CLOSE. It's also down a little bit of a cliff, though. Odds are excellent that I'll be out there with my 25 foot WB measuring tape tomorrow. Even though supposing the highest seas of 13 feet do happen, they will not happen in my little cove off my medium sized bay behind some nice barriers of islands.

I don't think they are actually barrier islands, which is a technical term, because they're made of rocks. I think barrier islands are like sand dunes. But I could be wrong about that.

Rocks are better, though.

The advisory did include intra-coastal waterways as well as open seas, though. It said basically: whatever you were thinking about doing on the water tomorrow, DON'T. Go home and stay there.

I just hope the combination of gale force winds and high seas doesn't result in ocean flying through the air and whacking into those front windows with the terribly leaky ancient rotten wood frames. Though I suspect that has happened before and that's why they are like that, see.

Oceans should definitely stay outside the house. I have rules about that sort of thing. Oceans!

So anyway that's unduly exciting, plus I have to go out and visit a doctor type person (actually a nurse practitioner. Man that's a dumb word AND I can't spell it. There are so few words I can't spell! Practitioner is the worst combination of backformation to Latin and needlessly complex jargon that I can think of right now. At this exact moment.

Anyway I'm sure they're all lovely and knowledgeable people but in my experience we don't tend to get along great, so I'm dubious and wary in advance. But, xanax! Because also: 6-9 inches of snow coming tomorrow, but supposedly not until after I have raced home and mentally prepared myself for the onslaught.

We shall see! 6-9 is no worry at all as long as I don't have to go anywhere and the power doesn't go out. Even if the power goes out, I have my lovely propane tank full so I'd stay warm. For a while. Please don't go out, power. Gale force winds on top of wet, heavy snow is no reason to go all crazy with falling branches and knocked down wires and stuff! No thank you! Note to self, look up the outage number for the power company tonight and put it in my phone.

Weather, whatever, it'll do what it wants. All I have to do is acquire ingredients for chicken enchiladas while I'm out, and possibly more cereal, maybe a variety? I filled up all my water bottles.

Oh, you probably live in civilization. I'm not crazy about civilization. I like having a well. But a well means a pump and a pump means that if the power goes out, you have no water, unless you feel like melting snow. It takes I think 10 times the volume of snow to melt down to one of water. Something like that. Plus heat, which by the way will also be out. No water, no bathing, no lights.

I have candles, boy do I ever. And oil lamps. And a generator that might be too crudded up to run. And no gas. (Note to self: get a jug of gas tomorrow.) And a butane stove! And extra cans of butane. I will have tea and light, no worries! Just no power or source of running water. Water goes fast, too. Must go down into basement and get those jugs I have and fill them up.

Noted, self!

Oh! Plus I worked like a maniac at both jobs but not school today, to get everything done in case of upcoming outages. I super really a lot hope the power doesn't go out. A lot a lot! Yes! Whee!

My propane tank is called a piglet, official term. Isn't that adorable?

In other non-freaking-out news! I was thinking about how much I hate vacuuming and why, and when that started, because although I never loved it, I never used to hate it so much. It's this terrible crappy vacuum, isn't it? And then I remembered that Crazy Aunt Purl had strong opinions about vacuums and said Dysons were the only way to go.

It's so funny, she wrote that online like, I don't know, ten years ago, or something? And that was my first thought. My second thought was to express that first thought on Twitter. And my third thought was delight that she wrote back pretty much right away to confirm that yes, it was Dysons, and even said which model she uses. I'm such a fan! I don't even think she writes online anymore and hasn't for ages. Awesome!

So I'm going to get a real vacuum instead of these gross ones with five parts you have to wash, where you end up covered with dust and grossness and dust mite carcasses and they don't even clean anyway. That's one reason I hate to vacuum so much! I do it and it's like I didn't do it. So it's pointless AND incredibly irritating AND super gross AND I can't breathe for a day afterward.

I'm considering the super mighty HEPA one. We shall see. After my move.

Oh, my move! I found the most awesome place but the owner isn't sure yet whether the current people want to re-up. So any Scooby-Doo villain style haunters who want to run over there and dress up and make wooooooo noises would be very welcome. If you don't mind the risk of being plugged by a shotgun, I mean. It is rural Maine, after all. Blam!

I want that place! Also nowhere else really great has popped up at all. I check the app things every day and nope. But one could! Who would advertise a place in February in Maine, after all? Life basically stops.

It's great, like a statewide naptime. No, not really, but that's how I react. Of course I'm like that the rest of the time, too.

Dang, I really hope the unspellable nurse doesn't a) try to make me go on more stupid anxiety-inducing antidepressants or b) make me go to a psychiatrist to get put on more stupid anxiety-inducing antidepressants. I feel like there's going to be some visit like that in my future somewhere. Or else I could go off the HULK SMASH prevention meds again. That was no fun, though. And I have stuff to do!

I liked being off it, except for how I was so full of rage and impatient and wanted to strangle everyone. Otherwise, though. Yay! Able to fly on planes! Able to stay in hotels! Able to board the animals! Out and about doing stuff!

Ugh. Sort it out, brains!

I sort of forgot to have dinner tonight because I was having pretzels and beer with the Super Bowl, which I didn't watch because: no tv. But I participated to the best of my ability in the cultural moment! Always happy to procure and drink beer as part of a national holiday! Go sports team!

I watched the LEGO movie while building the original daybed, can you tell? Spaceship! I loved it but I think I missed a lot from having my head underneath furniture much of the time. I will watch it again! I was gonna take it back to my brother et al. but apparently he's out of town or something? Also major snow, not going anywhere, to the point where I might actually mail some stuff. Dude!

Building daybed because: my cousin is coming to visit! Snowstorms permitting! But she's totally from here and will be unfazed, right? I have a lot of second cousins I've never met and one or possibly two first cousins here. Also my great-aunt on the other side owned a motel in Camden, just down the road, lived there her whole live. Should that word have a P in it? No.

I know, it's so dysfunctional how we never visited or hung out with family on either side growing up, except like two visits with one cousin and a couple rare short visits with uncles. I did see this cousin a couple of times when I lived here before, though, because her son was in college just up the road from me.

I'm SO EXCITED to have her come to visit! Watch this space for utter tears and a surfeit of extra enchiladas if she doesn't come after all, most likely due to perfectly legitimate weather reasons, but still. I will be SO SAD.

The house looks amazing, though. I cleaned up everything! Hence the vacuuming! And mopping! And washing the dishes that have been there forever! Seriously, I think one pan was from before New Year's. Whoops. And now the guest room looks awesome and is super comfortable, which I know because I had an accidental nap on the daybed today with my dog! It was all sunny and cozy in there. What else could we do?

After I shampooed the blue rug, the cat immediately barfed on it, of course. That's to be expected. But aha, I was so tired that I didn't even take apart the carpet shampooer to clean it yet! So it's still ready to go! Aha!

Gosh I was sick today. All I can figure is it was the buckwheat kasha I made yesterday. Or, I mean, all that horseradish cheese? No, that's totally normal. I was super sick half the day. I made black beans in the crock pot overnight, intending them to be refried beans, but I accidentally cooked them into a jar of delicious silt. Soup, I guess? Soup. Made of silt. It tastes delicious but it's a little alarming to look at.

Depending on the status of the electrical grid tomorrow, I have plans for making turkey stock from the frozen Thanksgiving remains and making something called jook that is apparently an Asian post-Thanksgiving tradition, according to my Rice Cooker Cookbook. I think that's what it was called. It might be an Uzbek word for something, though. I can't remember where I ran across it today but it stopped me in my tracks the way things sometimes do when there are coincidences that seem far too implausible to happen.

I'm super tired from all the worky work though so I can't remember. Plus mysterious buckwheat trippy ailment or whatever.

Ugh, so much dread over tomorrow's outing. I better not be up all night like I was Thursday night when I was supposed to go out in a terrible snowstorm the next morning. The result was I didn't sleep most of the night, had awful nightmares the rest of it, slept through three alarms, and missed my thing. Let's not do that this time!

Oh good grief it's already after midnight. I thought it was 10:30. Off to bed!

Wish me luck and houses for the place on the lake that I really want, okay? I need all the pushes I can get on this! I'd rather be on the ocean, but that's apparently not feasible unless I live practically in Canada. I've considered it! Waaaaaay up there. As if I'm not now, huh? I really am way out there now. But those are much further out. Anyway on the lake would be between my brother and my cousin and that's awesome, so let's do that. Hope!!!

A medieval superb owl for you, and a dubious glockenspiel-playing bunny.